Dreams

Ever wonder why you have a set dream and why its the only thing that you can think about for days? Some people dream of becoming an athlete, a dr, a dancer, a teacher, police men, firefighter or to just travel the world.
When you little you dream about becoming one thing and then every day it changes. When your in school they expect you to know what you want to do with your life already, they expect you to know what college you are going to.
To me a dream is just something we work for and give everything we have into it, but what happens if your dreams crash and burn right infront of you. What if everyting you have ever worked for all of a sudden is gone then what?
Ill tell you what you do set a different dream and goals to reach your dream.
My dreams can change everyday again but you know what i keep setting new ones.
The biggest dream i have right now is to be a great mom to my little baby and a great wife to my husband. Even tho i have no idea how to do either or those perfect or even close everyday brings me new satisfaction and new ideas on how to better myself and make things better.

changes.

some times in life we have changes that either change us for good or bad, but how do you know what it will do. I thought this was a blessing i thought i was looking forward to this but now all i can do is look back on life a realize how many things i cant do or get to miss out on. Why am i the only one who has to struggle so bad. I am giving up my dreams and everything else i have wanted to do in life thinking it was for the best but now im not so sure whats best.
Why do i push away the people i love? Why do i do things to ruin my life?
Im tired of hurting people and im tired of worrying about the people i have hurt or the dreams that never go away.
Today has been a horrible day stayed home and sat on my ass all day feeling sick and then tonight i hurt my finger while trying to sleep and its making it really hard to type and im just getting frusterated so im done typing.

Marter

I hate being the one that everyone blames when they can't do something. I am asking one thing from someone and its an easy thing but they can't even do it. They keep telling me that will stop and everything, but then a few days later it comes back. I thought we had everything sorted out last night, but it looks like i only made it worse. Im really good at making everyone else's life worse.

I should just start wearing a sticker on my head in big flashy lights that says "come near me ill ruin your life"

I have been looking back at my life and seeing everything that I have done and no matter what it was it always lead to something bad and someone getting hurt. I hurt so many people that I love and it kills me to wake up everyday and remember what I did. It also doesn't help that i get reminded of it every freakin day. I can't stand this anymore. I want to just curl in a ball and cry, but i cant. I have to stay strong no matter what.

How the hell am i suppose to carry a child and bring it into this horrible life i am going to live.

I love this baby so much and it is the reason why i have been able to make it thru so much already, but im afraid im getting weak and i cant hold it together anymore.

I need a new angel to go from.

off to go see what the world brings me today.

unfair

Growing up you are always told that life is unfair. Your siblings get to do things you can't yet, and mom and dad tell you that life just isn't fair. So what happens when people go into something together and there are sacrafices that have to be made and one person can't do what is asked. Just another way to show you that life isn't fair and never will be.

Nine months i get to suffer in pain and sickness while i watch everyone else around me doing what ever the hell they damn well please. It makes it so hard for me to go thru this alone and physical im not alone but emotionally i am. Wish i had more support from people and it doesn't look like that is going to happen anytime soon.

life has been unfair and will continue to be unfair no matter what is said or done.

power of rain

Last night we got a bunch of rain, actually so much that today we had to stay inside because we would have gotten stuck in the mud. It kind of sucked ass having to stay inside all day and not being able to do anything.

we also got 2 roosters yesterday so midnight has been chasing them, so now we have to keep her inside until we can build a coop for the roosters and then we will be getting more chickens.

sure is like living back at my parents house, listening to the sound of them early in the morning. ugh.....

overall today has been very boring and emotional, thanks to being pregnant.

american express

Did you know that the presidents pay is $230,700, plus as additional $50,000 for expenses on things he wants to buy might i add that its non taxable. Plus he and his family get medical, dental, travel and all others taken care of. After retirement the president will then earn $191,300 per year, plus a pension, money for staff, mail and other things he has bought. Plus a secret service for him and his family for life.

Now if your a staff srgt for army you make maybe around $25,000 or so. You get medical for you and your family (maybe) but you have to pay so much. For retirement it use to be that if you worked 20 years or more you would receive 50% of base pay right upon retirement, but now that has changed and they have made it more complicated. You don't get body guards for you or your family. Now this is if you didn't get injured or discharged. This is only based on "normal" cases.

Can you see that the government is taking the bravest men and women who risk being with there families and watching there own kids be born and heading off to a new land. They know only what was taught to them and nothing else about this land. They don't know who to trust and who not to trust. They never know when they are going to wake up and if they are going to die that day. Its not just one person doing this, its thousands everyday getting up and risking their lives the lives of their families and friends so that we in the UNITED STATES OF AMAERICA can be safe.

If you don't believe in God that it your choice, but if you believe in a being out there who watches over your fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, so on and so forth then we need to all stand together like this nation use to be. ONE NATION UNDER GOD. and stand up for that we believe for and for that is best for us AMAERICANS and what is best for our FAMILIES.

MAY GOD WATCH OVER THOSE WHO ARE NOT WITH US TODAY, AND WITH THE FAMILIES THAT HAVE LOST A LOVED ONE OVER SEAS OR THOSE WHO ARE MISSING THEIR LOVED ONES NOW. KEEP THEM SAFE AND THERE FAMILIES SAFE. AND OPEN THE HEARTS AND MINDS OF THE CONGRESS MEN AND OVER OUR PRESIDENT SO THAT WE MAY STAY ONE NATION UNDER GOD.

horrible night

ever had a dream that scared you so bad you woke up in tears and swet? That was me last night. scared of what my dream was. scared to see if it was actually true or not and just the not knowing factor. When i woke up it seemed so real to me that it made me scared more, and it still feels so real that its hard to get out of my head. i have never been so hurt in a dream before and it crushed me.

I at least know its not real so i can get a little peace from that but the thoughts of what happend will haunt me all day.

i love josh so much and the thought of him leaving me hurts

just random thoughts throughout today

so the weather has been a blast today and i have enjoyed being able to be out there and read today without having all this swet drop down my back. My puppy has really enjoyed it as well since she got to be out there with her mom and play all day.

Finally unpacked and did some organizing again today and hopefully this is the last time i move till after the baby is born.

I wrote a letter to dereks sisters last night and explained to them the best i could about everything and so far it went well. i emailed one to his mom too so im not sure what kind of reaction i am going to get from her or if i will end up getting one at all.

this is josh's first day home with me and you know what he does he plays with wayne the hole freakin time and leaves me to babysit his little sister so that him and wayne can go out to the store. And what does he do. he buys another pack of cigaretts. Im sorry but when he complains to me that we dont have enough money to get buy. (which we couldn't even pay bills this month) but he is allowed to spend all this money on soda and cigaretts when ever the gosh he freakin pleases. I love him so much but something i feel like he thinks with his ass and not his head.

on a good note ill lhopefully get to have all my medical ceverage set up soon so that i can find an obgyn.

today has been a horrible yet some what good day. well see how it turns out

Cravings

Your body knows more then your mind. When it rumbles you know that means your hungry or you are going to have major gas, but most the time its hunger. Well today mine has been telling me i am hungry but everything i would look at didnt sound good at all. I wanted a sweet cold taste. And i ended up eating rice with ramen seasoning and a pb and j sandwich with grapes. All tho my stomach is saying im full my mind keeps thinking about all these great foods i want to eat, yet we dont have them or they are being used for dinner tonight. Speaking of which is going to be roast with potatoes my favorite kind of potatoes. i am so excited, to bad dinner can't come soon enough... GRRR.

I went outside and read a book in the sun and it was awsome. Then did some dishes so hopefully i can start doing more things thru out the day and get more done around the house. That way i will feel better about myself and about the house im in...

loving today

HORRIBLE

I am officially the worst daughter ever. I never thought I could be so horrible as to push my own mother away from her own family, not just me but everyone. Well I did it. How come I am the one who feels the worst in the end? I can't even explain the pain I feel right now. All I want to do is lie in bed and never get out of it. Never eat never drink never do anything. Why should I do anything fun when im the one who pushes people away. All i wanted was for my mom to be there when i needed her most, but why in Gods name would i think she would do that after all the hell i have put her thru for so many years. She deserves every right to be mad at me and to push away from me, but not the rest of the family. They need her and they haven't done anything to push her away. Why punish them for my mistakes??

Sometimes we go through out life thinking that everything will fall into place, feeling like we belong someplace, like we will one day achieve all of our dreams. But how many times have you sad down in front of the mirror and thought to yourself wow i wish i could have done this different, I wish i would have made something more of myself. Welcome to my life. I had places I wanted to go, i had dreams and all of them crumbled right from under me in high school and they continue to get worse. I cant even keep the people i love close to me before i push them away if i mean to or not. Everything and everyone i have ever loved in my life either die or move away from me. I am sick of losing people. Im sick of finding the good people in life and then BAM there gone too.

So many thoughts are running thru my mind at this moment. I have a birthday party i got invited to tonight for a girl turning 1 but i cant even get myself to want to get ready to go. i love this kids so much but the thought of getting so close to them and then having them slip slowly away hurts. What if i have been horrible to them too. Have I done something i cant remember and its causing everyone around me to hate me. To think im this horrible person or is it just me. Am i the one making all this up??? Am i the one who thinks i pushed my mom away?? Do i create all these lies about my life so that everyone else can feel sorry for me?? NO i don't this is all true, it was gladly confirmed to me that im the one who pushed the mom away.

I watch my dog laying next to me sleeping and as she is dreaming i think about her dreams, i think about all the happy places she could be dreaming about and wonder where are mine?

I know its been a hard day and it makes it even harder that i dont have a family to run to, a mom to cry on, someone who can give me advice when i have no idea what in the hell i am doing or even going thru. No i have the internet to find out all my problems to find all my solutions, to find what ever i can find to help me in what ever i need.

Im sorry for all the people i have pushed away in my life, i thought i was better then that but i guess it just keeps coming and i keep pushing. Looks like i have my life planned out for me for the next while. Time to start my bed rest....